How much freedom do you give to your partner ?

[Bob in Iowa]

Your husband knows that you don't want him doing certain things, so he doesn't do it. He does this out of respect for you, but it's still your wants/needs limiting his behavior. FYI of course this applies both ways.

I think that the motivation for limiting one's behavior is more complex than that. Looking back on my own life, when my wife and I were in our 30's, we spent a lot of time apart from each other during the week in I spent at least two or three nights away from home on business, and she was a full time student at a Chiropractic college near our home. Given the separation and the socialization associated with both of our lives away from each other, there were many opportunities for each of us to be unfaithful.

I think what kept me on the straight and narrow path in those instances when there was an opportunity to stray, was being able to prioritize my feelings in a larger context than the immediate moment. By doing so, a feeling of not wanting to betray her trust in me, which encompassed a mixture of not wanting to hurt her and not wanting to endure a feeling of guilt for having done so, took precedence. Self respect is another factor involved in that compromising one's own ideal of self respect makes it more difficult to maintain individual harmony and peace of mind, which will ultimately affect the harmony of the relationship. Also, in a more selfish train of thought, my personal happiness was in large part a result of being in a loving, trusting, harmonious relationship, and I did not and still do not want to do anything to compromise that happiness.

I would have to say, therefore, that in a trusting, harmonious relationship, it is not only the wants of one person that limits the behavior of the other, but the shared desire for mutual trust and respect that dictates the behavior of both.

--Bob (putting my soapbox back under the desk)

[mad pierrot]

I would have to say, therefore, that in a trusting, harmonious relationship, it is not only the wants of one person that limits the behavior of the other, but the shared desire for mutual trust and respect that dictates the behavior of both.

No doubt! I did not mean to say it's wants that control a relationship exclusively; perhaps I should have put it a different way.

it is not only the wants of one person that limits the behavior of the other,

Of course! But I also think shared fear and want play a part. Let me try putting it this way: In my opinion, there are just as many negative as positive things that hold a relationship together.